Title: Recipe for a Secure, Healthy Relationship: Stan Tatkin
If you’ve listened to some of the other episodes then by now you’ve heard how so much of what happens to us as kids can affect how we are, in relationship, as adults. You can get into the specifics if you want - and there are times when I think that’s a good idea - but you can also look at the big picture of whether or not you had a secure attachment with your parents (and now are able to have a healthy, secure style in your adult relationships). Or you might find that you developed what’s known as an insecure attachment style with your parents, and now THAT is affecting how you connect with (or withdraw from) the people you love as an adult. Do you sometimes feel an overarching need for space and find yourself always feeling like your partner wants too much from you? Do you start to feel anxious when you’re alone, like your partner isn’t there for you enough. Well, guess what - this all relates to your attachment style. The great thing about it is: there’s something you can do.
On today’s show our guest is Stan Tatkin, Doctor of Psychology, one of the world’s experts on attachment theory, and the author of “Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship”. On this show we’re going to get to know the ins and outs of how we attach to others - and give you some successful strategies for knowing and understanding yourself, and your partner, and finding healthy ways to support each other in relationship. If you’re single, we’re also going to talk about the implications of attachment style on dating - and Stan’s new book “Wired for Dating” is coming out this month - January of 2016.
In this conversation, Stan Tatkin and I cover the following topics:
Resources:
Stan Tatkin's website - www.stantatkin.com
Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin on Amazon
Wired for Dating by Stan Tatkin on Amazon
www.neilsattin.com/wired is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a free copy of “Wired for Love”!
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It’s been 17 straight weeks since the Relationship Alive podcast launched, and I hope you’re enjoying the deep dive into how to do relationships in a completely new way. This week, I’d like to give you a gift. There’s so much value in new information, new knowledge - I don’t know about you, but my temptation is to be always trying to learn something new, always trying to grow. And yet, some of our growth happens not when we’re trying, but actually when we’re giving ourselves time and space to integrate. You can go to bed overwhelmed, or confused, and wake up with completely new insights. Plus rest is so important for being able to bring energy to your life and everything that’s important to you.
So this week, rather than giving you another interview with another amazing guest, I’m inviting you to spend some time integrating. This is an opportunity to spend time with the important people in your life - your partner, your family, your friends - and, most importantly, yourself! You could simply let everything that you’ve heard in the past 17 episodes of the podcast wash over you - and see what percolates out in your interactions with the world.
Or it could mean taking some space to reflect. What have you learned about yourself, about yourself in relationship? What are some new questions to help fuel your growth over the coming weeks, months and years? What kind of relationship would you like for yourself - and can you develop a solid sense of what it would feel like to be in that? In terms of the podcast, maybe there’s an episode that really made an impression on you that you’d like to listen to again? Or maybe there’s one you haven’t had a chance to listen to yet? Now’s your chance!
If you really, really, REALLY want something new, my partner Chloe and I put together a free meditation to help you harness the energy of any emotional pain that you’re experiencing in your life to discover new possibility. It’s on our new website - if you want a sneak peak, you can visit http://www.thenewloveparadigm.com or simply text the word “POSSIBLE” to the number 33444 and follow the instructions to download the meditation. It’s our gift to you this holiday season, or whenever you happen to be listening to this episode.
There are exciting things coming in the year ahead. New episodes with amazing guests, the book that Chloe and I have been working on will be coming out, and some even bigger projects that I’ll be telling you about as they take shape.
Meanwhile - I’d love to hear from you. If you have a chance, drop me a line at neilius at neilsattin dot com and let me know what’s been really helpful for you on the podcast, what you’d like more of, and what you’d like less of. Or if you have any stories about some specific change that’s happened I’d love to hear them. Lately I’ve been hearing more and more about just how much Relationship Alive has been helping people in their relationships - and I can’t tell you how much it helps me stay fired up about my mission with this podcast - to help you be able to do relationship better and be yourself more fully in relationship and in life in general. Thanks so much for listening, and I’ll see you next week with another new episode. Take care, and enjoy your week!
I wanted to put together something a little different for you today. You probably don’t know (yet) that I spent some time learning the art of physical comedy - you might call it “clown school” - at the Celebration Barn, here in South Paris, Maine. Looking back on the 15 years since then, it’s remarkable how many things I learned, about being present, about being a “yes,” and about rolling with whatever happens - that actually apply in real life. I mean, it only makes sense, right - otherwise why would theater and comedy, good theater and comedy, be so compelling? In the words of Will Shakespeare: All the world’s a stage - and today’s guest is going to help you see how to use that to your advantage in life, and in your relationship!
First let me ask you - what do you do to keep things playful with your partner? Are you inadvertently sabotaging the flow of good feelings, good energy, and goodwill in the way that you interact with each other? Is it possible that your fear of making mistakes is getting in the way of being fully there, in the moment? Today’s guest is going to talk about how to get over whatever fear is there so that you and your partner can keep building and growing in your connection.
Our guest’s name is Patti Stiles, and she is one of the world’s foremost experts on the art of improvisational theater. She studied directly with Keith Johnstone, author of the book "Impro", at the Loose Moose Theater, and has been working professionally acting, teaching, directing all over the world - since 1983. In today’s conversation, we’re going to talk about how to foster trust, acceptance, and playfulness in your relationship - so that once you see your life as a great work of improvisation - you’ll be able to do it...better!
Patti discusses the following topics:
Resources:
www.neilsattin.com/improv Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide.
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What does it take to have a relationship that can thrive well into your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond? What are the best ways to FIND a conscious relationship? Or to shift your current relationship into a place of being energized for what’s possible? And have you ever wondered why it can be so easy to blame someone else in an argument - and if there’s any way to eradicate criticism and blame from your relationship once and for all?
Today’s guest is none other than Gay Hendricks, co-author with his wife Katie of the classic book Conscious Loving, as well as the new book Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationships at Midlife and Beyond. Along with his wife, Gay is one of THE experts on how to have relationships that fit into the new paradigm for love - relationships that continue to grow and be a source of inspiration both within the partnership, but also for the communities surrounding the relationship. He has been a leader in the field of relationship transformation for over 45 years - and has appeared on Oprah, 48 Hours, CNN, and...today he is here on Relationship Alive. Take a listen!
My conversation with Gay covers the following topics:
Resources:
www.hendricks.com - Gay and Katie Hendricks's website
www.neilsattin.com/gay is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “Conscious Loving Ever After”!
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Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment by Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks
Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationships at Midlife and Beyond by Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks
You’ve heard it before - here, and elsewhere - in order to show up in relationship, you have to be able to show up for yourself. What does it mean to actually be able to show up for yourself? On top of that, have you ever experienced a split between your head and your heart - and do you know how to heal it? I’ve heard time and time again with friends and clients - “my heart wants one thing, my head wants another?” - but being able to feel like you’re fully in alignment is not only possible - it’s required for you to be able to be fully YOU in life.
Today’s guest is Dr. Margaret Paul, psychologist and co-creator of Inner Bonding - and the author of the book “Inner Bonding”. As you’re about to find out, Inner Bonding is a straightforward practice - which we’re going to teach you how to do on this episode - that will help you heal the split between head and heart, and give you the presence that you need to show up fully in relationship - and in your life. It’s helpful for addiction and depression - as well as breaking patterns of co-dependence and jealousy in relationship.
Margaret and I discuss the following aspects of her work:
Resources:
Margaret Paul’s Website: www.innerbonding.com
Inner Bonding on Amazon
www.neilsattin.com/innerbonding is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a copy of “Inner Bonding”!
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How do you get in touch with what you’re feeling in the moment? How do you take that a step further, and tune into your partner? And how do you take that state, and turn it into deep intimacy, connection, and...well...hot sex? And can you keep that dance alive with your partner even if you have children competing for your time and attention?
Today, our guest is Dr. Keith Witt, Integral Psychologist, and author of several amazing books, including The Attuned Family: How to be a Great Parent To Your Kids, and a Great Lover to Your Spouse. His popular online course, Loving Completely, just came out at the beginning of 2015, and he often appears with Jeff Saltzman on the Daily Evolver show. In today’s wide-ranging conversation, we get into the practical details of how to practice what Keith calls “attunement” - and how it can help you resolve conflict, deepen your connection to yourself and your partner, and, if you have kids, be a better parent. Keith distills his vast wisdom from years of practice - he’s conducted over 55,000 therapy sessions with his clients - and he is on the cutting edge of how to take a relationship to new levels of growth, connection, and passion - especially when you’re past the honeymoon stage with your partner. We also talk about infidelity - why it’s a bad idea, and how to repair when it’s occurred. So - we’re going to cover a lot of ground, and this episode is a little bit longer than most of our episodes - but stick with it as it’s value-packed the whole way through.
Keith discusses the following principles from his book and his experience as a psychologist:
Resources:
www.drkeithwitt.com (Keith’s online course Loving Completely is available, and his free digital copy of The Attuned Family.)
The Attuned Family: How to Be a Great Parent to on Amazon
Integral Mindfulness: Clueless to Dialed in - How Mindfulness Makes Everything Better on Amazon
www.neilsattin.com/witt is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a copy of “The Dance of Anger”!
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When was the last time you got really angry? And...how did that go for you? Was it a positive experience, or...not? And...do you and your partner know how to use your anger to foster growth in your connection?
The reason I’m asking is that today’s guest is Harriet Lerner, Clinical Psychologist and author of the classic book The Dance of Anger which has sold over 3 MILLION copies worldwide. Harriet is one of the world’s most trusted experts on the topic of relationships, and her work has inspired countless others on the topics of Anger, Intimacy, Trust, Fear, Courage - you name it. Today we’re going to dive deep to talk about how to make your anger a force for good in your relationship. On top of that you’ll also get some words of wisdom that aren’t just about anger, but that are also about how to identify and change the patterns that are holding you back in your relationship.
If you need help with understanding and processing anger, then join my enlightening conversation with Harriet as she addresses the following:
Links and Resources:
www.neilsattin.com/anger is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a copy of “The Dance of Anger”!
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Today I’d like to have a conversation about a topic that’s a little dicey for some of us. Do you or your partner use pornography? What place, if any, does it have in your relationship? Is it helpful? Is it creating conflict? Is it possible that it’s having an influence on your relationship and you don’t even know about it? Today my guest is Gary Wilson, from YourBrainonPorn.com, and author of the book “Your Brain on Porn”.
Rather than talking about whether or not porn is good, bad, or healthy - we’re going to talk about the effects of porn use on your brain - what can happen when you or your partner uses porn - and what can shift when you remove porn from your life. We’re also going to cover how to know if porn is having a secret impact on your relationship, how to have compassion for those who are affected by it, and how to get it out of your life.
As for me, I’m curious - not so much about the rightness or wrongness of it - but about what porn does to you and your biochemistry. Is it helping you? Or not? And once you learn about what it does, you might be inclined to find a way to remove it once and for all.
We all know that porn has become pervasive and woven its way into our culture, primarily by way of the internet. The use of porn tends to have negative effects on individuals - and, by extension, their relationships, and Gary is here to discuss exactly what is happening with your body’s chemistry as opposed to approaching the subject from a religious or moral perspective.
Highlights of my conversation with Gary Wilson:
If porn has been affecting you in your relationship, I am so curious to hear from you - especially if you try the reboot. What changes do you notice?
Links and Resources:
Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson on Amazon
www.neilsattin.com/garyw is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “Your Brain on Porn”!
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Does it seem that love comes and then goes away? Do you have the experience of being deeply in love with your partner one moment, and then the next moment feeling separate, or distant, or even carried away in a cloud of emotion? Well, we’re about to change all of that.
Today we have part two of our conversation with Diana Richardson. In particular, we are going to focus on how to always “get back to love” in your relationship - a topic in all of her books - and the focus of her book “Tantric Love: Feeling vs. Emotion”. If you heard part one (which was episode number two of Relationship Alive, and focused on her approach to tantra), then you know that she is one of the leading sex educators in the world. For more than 20 years she has been teaching about slow sex - a kind of cool sex that will completely transform how you experience yourself, and your partner, as a sexual and sensual being. She has written more than 6 books on Tantra, is the producer of the award-winning movie “Slow Sex”, and people travel from all around the world to take the Making Love seminars that she teaches with her partner Michael in Switzerland. You can check out her website, livinglove.com.
Be prepared to learn a new way to experience your emotions, and a practical guide to always get back to love with your partner (and within yourself).
Diana reveals that this material, her work, was born out of her own journey and experiences. She never expected or intended to write books and teach people, but obtained a completely new picture of sex through her lifetime with new insights and understandings. The principles she shares developed organically, through awareness and observation. Her desire is to help others discover how their bodies are designed to connect in certain ways and clear up much of the misunderstanding surrounding sex in our world today. “If one trusts the body and goes in with an inquiring, adventurous spirit, then all the answers will come to you.”
My conversation with Diana focuses on the following aspects of sex and relationships:
Links and Resources:
www.livinglove.com (Diana’s website with links to her books, seminars, and retreats.)
The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diana Richardson
Tantric Love Letters by Diana Richardson
Tantric Love: Feeling vs. Emotion: Golden Rules to Make Love Easy by Diana Richardson and Michael Richardson
www.neilsattin.com/tantra2 is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “Tantric Love: Feeling vs. Emotion”!
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My philosophy is that relationships not only CAN be a vehicle for your own healing, but that it’s actually REQUIRED to do your work to heal from whatever is keeping you from fully showing up - in your life, in your relationship, AND in the bedroom. And just like we touched on in our conversation with Diana Richardson way back in episode two - there is tremendous potential for you, when you’re in relationship, to help your partner on that journey of healing - especially sexual healing.
Today’s guest is Wendy Maltz, author of The Sexual Healing Journey. Her book is about how to recover from sexual trauma and deepen your capacity for intimacy and sexual pleasure. In this episode, we’re talking about how you can take on that legacy of pain and potential disconnect - and use it to build a more solid, loving, sensual, and, yes, sexual connection with your partner.
There are all kinds of things that could have an impact on your sexual development, cause some degree of trauma, and be an obstacle to true intimacy with your partner. So even if you haven’t been specifically affected by some form of assault or abuse, this conversation is for you to find opportunities for your own sexual growth and healing.
If you HAVE been affected by some form of sexual trauma - this conversation could potentially be a trigger for you. My goal through having Wendy on the program is to help you and your partner get through the triggers together, to a place where you can have deep intimacy, connection, and the kind of fulfilling sex life that is your birthright.
Wendy Maltz is an internationally-recognized author, psychotherapist, and a certified sex therapist with over 35 years’ experience. Along with The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, which is the topic of our discussion today, she also has written The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, which also factors into our discussion. Wendy is the co-producer of Relearning Touch, a highly-acclaimed video guide for couples who are healing intimate problems caused by sexual abuse - and which is now available for FREE on her website. Along with her husband, Larry, Wendy runs Maltz Counseling Associates in Eugene, OR.
Here are some of the highlights from the conversation that Wendy and I share about how to develop healthy, deep intimacy with your partner as part of the sexual healing journey that you can be on together:
On pornography:
Wendy concludes by saying, “Those negatives about being sexually abused don’t have to be the last word on sex for us. We CAN reclaim sexuality.”
Links and Resources:
www.healthysex.com (Wendy’s website with links to resources)
The Sexual Healing Journey on Amazon
www.neilsattin.com/wendy is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “The Sexual Healing Journey”!
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For this episode, we’re going to focus on something extremely simple and practical - the importance of questions. How well do you know your partner? If you say you know them well, are you sure that you’re not actually making assumptions about them? And how do you cultivate your curiosity in a way that keeps your relationship fresh, instead of stuck in the same old patterns?
My guest today is Susan Piver, NY Times bestselling author of The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say I Do. This book came out of the personal experience of talking to her boyfriend (now her husband) about getting married. She contemplated the commitment: How do I make the commitment? How can I honor the commitment? She proceeded to the bookstore to find help but found NOTHING on the subject. The idea for her book was born.
Susan realized that most failed relationships didn’t fail for lack of love, but for lack of ability to build a life together that both partners loved. The questions that she poses in her book are based around helping a couple get to know each other (and themselves) in various areas of life. The questions themselves are not complicated - they’re quite simple, in fact! What makes them the “Hard” questions is that answering them will require you to get really clear about who you are, and who your partner is.
Susan discusses the following topics from her book:
Links and Resources:
www.susanpiver.com (Susan’s website, including information on teaching, live events, and workshops.)
www.susanpiver.com/newsletter-signup (Sign up here for Susan’s newsletter, blog posts, and weekly video meditations.)
www.neilsattin.com/susan is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “The Hard Questions”!
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Are you looking for ways to breathe new life into your relationship? In today’s episode, we’re exploring the power of integrity to heal problems and generate passion in your connection with your partner. What does it mean to be honest? What are you actually committed to in your relationship? How do you turn a major problem - for instance, infidelity - into a catalyst for growth and even deeper intimacy?
My guest today is Katie Hendricks, co-author of the book Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment. Having worked with thousands of couples with her partner, Gay Hendricks, Katie is experienced in helping you make the shift towards a relationship in which you and your partner are bringing out the best in each other. There are some tough topics in this episode - and our goal is to show you how to easefully and gracefully challenge your assumptions about what’s possible for your relationship. Be sure to check out the episode!
Katie discusses the following topics:
Links and Resources:
www.foundationforconsciousliving.com (Katie’s website with guidelines, tips, videos, and more!)
www.hendricks.com (Katie’s website with integrity skills, tips, and videos.)
www.neilsattin.com/hendricks is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “Conscious Loving”!
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Are you curious about ways to build intimacy that aren’t about sex or being sexual? Have you had hints of feeling a deep connection with your partner, and are you interested to know how you might be able to deepen that connection even further? My guest today is Patricia Albere of the Evolutionary Collective, an internationally-known organization devoted to mutual awakening between individuals, and the development of a shared consciousness that transcends our individual (separate) consciousnesses. With over 40 years of experience working with individuals on their growth and personal development, Patricia branched out to explore how individuals could connect more deeply with others. Today we discuss her work in the context of romantic partnership, although the exercises that you will be learning could be applied with anyone - not just your significant other.
Links and Resources:
www.evolutionarycollective.com (Patricia’s website)
www.mutual-awakening.com (a free 77-page ebook available!)
Free Mutual Awakening Calls with Patricia Albere
Patricia has online courses, holds virtual retreats every three months, does 3-day intensive orientations for mutual awakening, and hosts a year-long program that starts every January. Visit her website for details!
www.neilsattin.com/patricia is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win Patricia Albere’s Mutual Trust course - a $197 value!
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Odds are that the way that you’re having sex is actually causing problems in your relationship. In this episode, you will find out how having orgasms is a surefire way to lead you toward getting bored of your partner, creating problems, and breaking up - and how karezza (or non-orgasmic sex) can completely change the dynamics of your relationship. Experience the increased closeness, desire, and feelings of fulfillment in relationship that will help you sustain partnership over the long term.
My guest today is Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships. Her book is about how sex and orgasms affect your biochemistry, how it can undermine your relationship, and she also describes a way of lovemaking that boosts your bonding biochemistry to help you increase your love and fulfillment in your relationship.
Marnia is a graduate of Brown and Yale and a former corporate attorney. She blogs on Huffington Post and serves on the board of the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health. Marnia is also the moderator of the website www.reuniting.info where you can find more information about karezza and evidence to support how switching to non-orgasmic lovemaking will actually lead to a happier, more intimate relationship.
Here are some of the details of our conversation:
Are you intrigued? I promise that you will learn things you have probably never heard before from Marnia’s practical explanation of these techniques. Give them a try, and please let us know your results!
Links and Resources:
www.reuniting.info - Marnia’s website
Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow on Amazon
Text PASSION to 33444 to download the pdf version of this episode guide AND Marnia’s Free Guide to Bonding Behaviors. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of "Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow” by Marnia Robinson.
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www.neilsattin.com/cupid (Marnia’s episode page on my website)
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My guest today is Terry Real, and we’re going to cover some advanced strategies for thriving in your relationship. Whether it’s how to recover from a grievous wrong, how to keep your relationship healthy, or how an unconventional way to take a relationship from good to great - there’s lots to discover in this conversation!
Terry is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and he has appeared on Good Morning America, Oprah, ABC News, and 20/20. In private practice for over 25 years , his most recent book is The New Rules of Marriage: What you Need to Know to Make Love Work. He is here to discuss his newest book and tell us practical ways to make our marriages and relationships exceptional.
Terry sets the stage by sharing how relationships today are different than they have been historically. People today have much higher expectations of what their relationship will be in their lives. The problem is that most people haven’t mastered the sophisticated set of skills needed to maintain the kind of relationship that they want. The purpose of his book (and this episode) is to give you the skills that you need.
Terry discusses the following details about relationships:
The phases of Harmony, Disillusionment, and Acceptance/Repair. What stage are you in now? The cycles are ever-repeating - which should give you hope if you happen to be in a state of disillusionment at the moment. If that’s the case, what would it take to move your relationship towards Repair?
Cherishing. While it sounds simple (and is simple in many ways), Terry actually devoted an entire chapter to it in his book. Are you focused on appreciating your partner’s good qualities? How do you let them know?
Terry discusses the losing relationship strategies of harshness and self-righteous indignation. “Harshness has no redeeming value of any kind. There is nothing that harshness accomplishes that loving firmness doesn’t accomplish better.”
He refers to his “Winning Strategies,” including shifting from a negative past-focus to a positive future-focus. He also explains his “Golden Rule.”
Terry has a 3-step action plan for a spouse to follow if their partner isn’t ready or willing to change the relationship. Dare to rock the boat. “Listen - this is really important to me!” Once you have their attention, help them WIN. Tell your partner what you need in order to make the situation better. Then, make it worth their while! Give positive feedback. Celebrate steps in the right direction, even if it’s not fully what you want it to be.
Put an end to the Cinderella Syndrome! It’s ok to ask for what you want.
We each have a Core Negative Image of our partner - it is how we imagine them to be when they are at their WORST. It is an exaggeration, not even an accurate description of them at their worst - but there are bits of reality in them. Anything that you do that reinforces your partner’s Core Negative Image of you has the potential to create problems in your relationship. Anything you can do that’s the OPPOSITE of that will create enormous growth in your relationship.
Because we get together with our “unfinished business” - our relationships have enormous Healing Potential. The gift of our relationships is what we do, how we heal, when we encounter these problems that are echoes of the past and resolve them.
If you have a strong relationship, you can use the Dead Stop. In a dead stop, if you see your partner starting to act like your Core Negative Image of them, you let them know (using a keyword, such as “pineapple” is helpful) - and they stop everything, and without being defensive, apologize! Acknowledge what they’re seeing. And use it as an opportunity to release your need to be right, and instead to build connection with your partner.
Terry gives advice about recovering from a grievous wrong in a relationship, such as infidelity or other marriage disasters. First, the person who committed the wrong needs to be accountable for their actions. Next, address the hurt partner. Recognize that they are fundamentally disoriented - help them make sense of what happened. Dealing with their trauma. Then, re-establish trust. The past needs needs to be seen as the past. A demarcation ritual acknowledging the new, transformed relationship can be amazing. The crisis has the ability to transform us if we rise to the occasion. It can also be helpful to get outside help in these situations.
FYI - Terry teaches live workshops all over the United States for couples and singles. An amazing experience to take your relationship to the next level.
Use the relationship grid in order to diagnose where you are in terms of your boundaries and self-esteem - where do you need to improve?
“True intimacy is not the absence of tension, but the management of tension and using tension to grow.”
Links and Resources:
The New Rules of Marriage on Amazon
Please visit Terry’s website, www.terryreal.com for all kinds of free information about his work AND a free intimacy test to see where you are and where you need to grow.
The Relationship Alive Community on Facebook
This guide and episode are also available at www.neilsattin.com/terry
Text "PASSION" to 33444 to download a pdf of the show guide (and be entered for a free giveaway of a signed copy of Calling in the One within the first week of this show's airing)
AMAZING intro and outtro music graciously provided courtesy of The Railsplitters - Check them out HERE
Welcome! My guest today is Katherine Woodward Thomas, who is the author of the national bestseller Calling in the One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, and Conscious Uncoupling (in stores 9/22/2015). She is also a licensed psychotherapist and a highly acclaimed transformative educator who has worked with thousands of people around issues of love and relationship.
Katherine also created the online Conscious Uncoupling course to help people deal with relationship breakups and I have personally experienced this program and its benefits. It was my work and personal transformation with this course that led me to Katherine and inviting her to be a guest on Relationship Alive.
While as always it can be challenging to summarize everything here in our show guide, here are some of the salient points from our conversation:
We will probably be having Katherine on the show again soon, as she has so much more to offer! Until then, please check out the links and resources below!
Links and Resources:
Katherine Woodward Thomas's website
Download the show notes and more on NeilSattin.com
The Relationship Alive Community on Facebook
Text "PASSION" to 33444 to download a pdf of the show guide (and be entered for a free giveaway of a signed copy of Calling in the One within the first week of this show's airing)
AMAZING intro and outtro music graciously provided courtesy of The Railsplitters - Check them out HERE
Welcome to Episode 2! Here is today’s question: How’s your SEX LIFE? Is it giving you the kind of connection with your partner that you want? My guest today is Diana Richardson, a leading sex educator with over 20 years’ experience in teaching about “slow sex.” She has authored several books on the subject of Tantra and how to develop deep intimacy with your partner, and she teaches numerous workshops in Switzerland with her partner, Michael.
Her teaching is completely transformative and focuses on how to radically shift your thinking about sex and sensuality. You WILL learn something new from Diana! Join us!
Diana discusses the following topics:
Are you intrigued and wanting to explore further? The good news is that there will be a Part 2 to this interview, so you can look forward to even MORE information from Diana.
Links and Resources:
www.livinglove.com (Diana’s website)
Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation - by Diana and Michael Richardson
The Heart of Tantric Sex - by Diana Richardson
Text PASSION to 33444 to download the pdf version of this episode guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of "Tantric Sex for Men" from Diana Richardson.
Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook
www.neilsattin.com/tantra (My website has links to Diana and her work.)
Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of:
Welcome! My guest today is Dr. John Gottman, one of the world's leading experts on how to have an amazing relationship. He and his wife Julie currently operate The Gottman Institute in Seattle, offering numerous resources and training. Join us for a deep dive into their work!
Dr. Gottman’s findings are largely based on the conclusions he has made over many years of research and observations of couples. He and his team have how to be a master (and avoid being a disaster) at relationship.
Dr. Gottman discusses the following topics:
Join us for these topics and more. Dr. Gottman has practical information that can improve your relationship TODAY!
Links and Resources:
What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by Dr. John Gottman
The Gottman Institute, Seattle
www.neilsattin.com/gottman (visit to download a .pdf of this episode guide along with John Gottman's "Dreams in Conflict" exercise to help couples who seem to have irreconcilable differences. You can also text “PASSION” to 33444 for instructions on how to download the guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this show's airing, you will also qualify for a chance to win a free signed copy of Dr. Gottman’s book "What Makes Love Last".)
The Relationship Alive Community on Facebook
Amazing intro/outro music provided courtesy of: